As November quietly left and held the door open for December, I headed home.
The clear night sky only sported the stars, and left room for my thoughts.
So much to think about.
I think about this woman.
I can't stop.
It could develop into madness, but I won't let it.
I thought about what another woman had said.
And how stupid she was for saying it.
She should know better.
It pissed me off, but after a nights sleep
I decided to just shelve her for the moment and move on.
I thought about how nice it would be
To have a girlfriend.
Who am I kidding?
Maybe I'm better off alone.
It will change one day,
But she will have to find me, this time.
I thought about how beautiful the sunset was this evening
The pinks and purples and streaks of clouds in the twilight.
I thought about how much I do love this time of year.
And how I don't let the chaos of the holiday season get to me.
I thought about her again.
And again. And again.
It is useless, but I cant help it.
My thoughts are scattered around
Like the dead leaves of autumn.
Shuffle through my mind,
Kick them around like the leaves
Watch the wind scatter them into new piles.
Walk through them and kick them around again.
Look at them from a different angle.
Needlessly dissecting them as I do.
Think too much.
I think about how insecurity, and jealousy
Seems to follow me, and when I discover them
They are disguised as people I know.
Well, people I thought I knew.
I don't understand jealousy.
It is useless to me.
And dammit, just like that
She pops into my mind AGAIN.
Sigh.
Maybe she knows that
She takes my mind off
The stupid stuff I think about.
She will fade too.
This (hopefully) harmless distraction.
Everything transitions out.
I wish the jealousy would.
Stupid jealousy.
Stupid insecurity.
You make me shelve things that pisses me off,
Because I don't want to deal
With the drama it brings.
I don't have time for that.
The only thing I have time for
In the free time I have,
Is her.
And there she is again.
And as my mind hugs her image
I thank her for distracting me,
Yet again.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Almost
I tried.
But as usual, it is not enough.
From my jobs to my relationships
To my friendships.
It is never enough.
It's a life of almost there,
Missed it by that much
Day late, a dollar short.
Never enough.
Not in the right place.
Not at the right time.
Constantly running on an infinity shaped path
That leads to nowhere.
Then I'm told I try too hard.
Which I don't believe.
I sat there with her that night,
And I knew she wanted to ask me something.
I knew she wanted to.
She didn't.
I left her house
And any chance for more than what I have now,
Behind.
This is how life has shaped me.
From friends in school,
To friends in adult life.
It is never enough.
I'm nice.
I'm average.
I have a lot to offer,
Respect, love, truth, honesty, integrity.
It isn't enough, though.
This is why I gave up on finding
Someone to love.
Who ever would have me
Would have been blessed,
I think.
But the bullshit that we all went through
At one point in our lives
Has rendered us
Afraid of opening up.
Afraid of accepting love.
When I am polite to someone,
Or am friendly to someone
They think I am flirting
And they cut me off and leave.
Afraid.
Afraid I will want them.
I just wanted a friend.
When did it become so complicated
That you can't be just a friend?
I wished she would have asked me.
I wished she would have told me what was on her mind,
What she was thinking.
If nothing
It would have been
Interesting.
I almost found out.
But as usual, it is not enough.
From my jobs to my relationships
To my friendships.
It is never enough.
It's a life of almost there,
Missed it by that much
Day late, a dollar short.
Never enough.
Not in the right place.
Not at the right time.
Constantly running on an infinity shaped path
That leads to nowhere.
Then I'm told I try too hard.
Which I don't believe.
I sat there with her that night,
And I knew she wanted to ask me something.
I knew she wanted to.
She didn't.
I left her house
And any chance for more than what I have now,
Behind.
This is how life has shaped me.
From friends in school,
To friends in adult life.
It is never enough.
I'm nice.
I'm average.
I have a lot to offer,
Respect, love, truth, honesty, integrity.
It isn't enough, though.
This is why I gave up on finding
Someone to love.
Who ever would have me
Would have been blessed,
I think.
But the bullshit that we all went through
At one point in our lives
Has rendered us
Afraid of opening up.
Afraid of accepting love.
When I am polite to someone,
Or am friendly to someone
They think I am flirting
And they cut me off and leave.
Afraid.
Afraid I will want them.
I just wanted a friend.
When did it become so complicated
That you can't be just a friend?
I wished she would have asked me.
I wished she would have told me what was on her mind,
What she was thinking.
If nothing
It would have been
Interesting.
I almost found out.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
An Escape
She is my fantasy, my escape.
She doesn't know me.
She will probably never know me.
And I am fine with it.
I am one of the many anonymous followers she has.
Her fame is one bred from infamy, if you will,
Rather than from anything historic.
Fame ... from an intimate talent.
She lets you see everything
She willingly poses
She allows you to be the voyeur
She wants you to watch.
An observer such as I
Sees the images of her.
Her eyes pierce through
And grabs a part of my soul.
She doesn't know me.
I am fine with it.
When I need to escape from my burdens
She is there.
It helps me cope.
Just as writing is an outlet
She takes me away for awhile
So I can reset and recharge.
My life is tough at the moment.
Her life is as tough as she makes it.
I couldn't do what she does.
I wouldn't do what she does.
But...
I'm glad she does this for me,
And all her other followers
Of her talented infamy.
She doesn't know me.
She will probably never know me.
And I am fine with it.
I am one of the many anonymous followers she has.
Her fame is one bred from infamy, if you will,
Rather than from anything historic.
Fame ... from an intimate talent.
She lets you see everything
She willingly poses
She allows you to be the voyeur
She wants you to watch.
An observer such as I
Sees the images of her.
Her eyes pierce through
And grabs a part of my soul.
She doesn't know me.
I am fine with it.
When I need to escape from my burdens
She is there.
It helps me cope.
Just as writing is an outlet
She takes me away for awhile
So I can reset and recharge.
My life is tough at the moment.
Her life is as tough as she makes it.
I couldn't do what she does.
I wouldn't do what she does.
But...
I'm glad she does this for me,
And all her other followers
Of her talented infamy.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Robert W. Perkins, Jr. :-)
Today would have been my dad's 74th birthday.
He passed away on October 29th, 2008 of Renal Cell Carcinoma, or simply put, kidney cancer.
During a doctors visit for what he thought was the flu, they did a body scan and found a golf ball sized tumor in one of his kidneys. They operated on him, and removed the entire kidney. This was in December of 2002. For the next six years, he suffered through more pain than a human should have to, as more tumors popped up all within his body, in his last year of life. One tumor was on his upper left arm bone. They operated on that, removing the tumor, and placed a metal rod where the damaged bone material was. Another tumor, the size of a man's fist, appeared in his abdomen around the same time.
The end for him was peaceful. He passed in his sleep between 3 and 5 am, at his house. Mom and a caregiver where there. He was never alone at the end. It was what he deserved and got. Him dying in a hospice place, or worse, a nursing home, was NOT an option. Mom wanted him to be home. God bless her, she took care of him in his final weeks. She had to bear witness to his suffering, and if there could have been a way, Dad wouldn't have wanted Mom to see him in his final days. But, that was out of his control.
He was born in Greensboro, NC on October 23rd, 1939. He was the second child to R.W. Sr., and Margaret Perkins.
He lived in Greensboro until July of 1966, when he, mom and I, all moved to Charlotte. He did his best to support his young family, by working in the printing industry, starting in the manufacturing plants, and labs, mixing ink colors, making batches of product to sell to the industry for carton and other printing projects.
Then, he transitioned to being a salesman for various companies up and down the East coast. Many companies that did business through him, will tell you he was a man of integrity, a reliable person to do business with.
To his family, he was a loving, caring and nurturing man, who loved his wife (as crazy as she could get at times, and I say that with love, I hope you know, LOL) me and my younger brother Bob.
He spent time with his family, and did all kinds of things with us. He came to my softball games, he played chess with my brother, he would accompany my mom on various shopping trips. We all would go to Myrtle Beach nearly every summer for over 20 years. He was a family man, and didn't run off to hang with the boys like a lot of the other men he knew.
To those who really know me, they know the close bond I had with him. Me and my Mom are not close, I will admit. He was the one who mentally had to be both parents to me. Mom had issues when I was a child, and Dad was the one who gave me the attention I was seeking from her. I'm not mad at Mom, she did the best she could, and I do love her.
I have also often said, "Thank God for him, because I might not have made it through my teens had he not been there." I would have probably run away from home, dropped out of school, might have done drugs, who knows. I was afraid of Mom, and he was someone who was the buffer.
When I came out to my dad, in January of 1994, it didn't faze him. He already knew, and it didn't change his love for me. When I hear the term, "unconditional love" I think of Dad. He actually went in to the White Rabbit Book store with me once. I told him he didn't have to, but he wanted to go in, anyway. It was things like this, that really touched my heart.
When I got my first tattoo, he knew about it. Mom yelled at him because he didn't talk me out of it. I guess he thought that since I was 23 years old, I was old enough to make my own decisions, lol!
He taught me how to drive a stick shift. The days of me cussing and getting frustrated while trying to learn how to drive a stick shift, probably drove him nuts, but he didn't let on that it did.
He always took us out on our birthdays. We always had family time together. Holidays were usually spent with the Perkins side of the family, because Mom wasn't close to her family. Dad's family became Mom's surrogate family in a way.
All in all, he was the best father ANYONE could have had. As I grew older, I heard my other friends tell me they wished their father was like mine. A lot of my friends didn't have what I now know, was a true blessing.
He passed away on October 29th, 2008. His funeral was actually on Halloween, something he would have gotten a kick out of.
October will always be a special time of year for me, because I love the changing of the seasons, the colors of the leaves as they turn, and the fact that Dad was born, and passed in the same month as all of this happens.
I love him, and I miss him.
And I hope when I'm gone, my ghost will love him too.
Until next time...
He passed away on October 29th, 2008 of Renal Cell Carcinoma, or simply put, kidney cancer.
During a doctors visit for what he thought was the flu, they did a body scan and found a golf ball sized tumor in one of his kidneys. They operated on him, and removed the entire kidney. This was in December of 2002. For the next six years, he suffered through more pain than a human should have to, as more tumors popped up all within his body, in his last year of life. One tumor was on his upper left arm bone. They operated on that, removing the tumor, and placed a metal rod where the damaged bone material was. Another tumor, the size of a man's fist, appeared in his abdomen around the same time.
The end for him was peaceful. He passed in his sleep between 3 and 5 am, at his house. Mom and a caregiver where there. He was never alone at the end. It was what he deserved and got. Him dying in a hospice place, or worse, a nursing home, was NOT an option. Mom wanted him to be home. God bless her, she took care of him in his final weeks. She had to bear witness to his suffering, and if there could have been a way, Dad wouldn't have wanted Mom to see him in his final days. But, that was out of his control.
He was born in Greensboro, NC on October 23rd, 1939. He was the second child to R.W. Sr., and Margaret Perkins.
He lived in Greensboro until July of 1966, when he, mom and I, all moved to Charlotte. He did his best to support his young family, by working in the printing industry, starting in the manufacturing plants, and labs, mixing ink colors, making batches of product to sell to the industry for carton and other printing projects.
Then, he transitioned to being a salesman for various companies up and down the East coast. Many companies that did business through him, will tell you he was a man of integrity, a reliable person to do business with.
To his family, he was a loving, caring and nurturing man, who loved his wife (as crazy as she could get at times, and I say that with love, I hope you know, LOL) me and my younger brother Bob.
He spent time with his family, and did all kinds of things with us. He came to my softball games, he played chess with my brother, he would accompany my mom on various shopping trips. We all would go to Myrtle Beach nearly every summer for over 20 years. He was a family man, and didn't run off to hang with the boys like a lot of the other men he knew.
To those who really know me, they know the close bond I had with him. Me and my Mom are not close, I will admit. He was the one who mentally had to be both parents to me. Mom had issues when I was a child, and Dad was the one who gave me the attention I was seeking from her. I'm not mad at Mom, she did the best she could, and I do love her.
I have also often said, "Thank God for him, because I might not have made it through my teens had he not been there." I would have probably run away from home, dropped out of school, might have done drugs, who knows. I was afraid of Mom, and he was someone who was the buffer.
When I came out to my dad, in January of 1994, it didn't faze him. He already knew, and it didn't change his love for me. When I hear the term, "unconditional love" I think of Dad. He actually went in to the White Rabbit Book store with me once. I told him he didn't have to, but he wanted to go in, anyway. It was things like this, that really touched my heart.
When I got my first tattoo, he knew about it. Mom yelled at him because he didn't talk me out of it. I guess he thought that since I was 23 years old, I was old enough to make my own decisions, lol!
He taught me how to drive a stick shift. The days of me cussing and getting frustrated while trying to learn how to drive a stick shift, probably drove him nuts, but he didn't let on that it did.
He always took us out on our birthdays. We always had family time together. Holidays were usually spent with the Perkins side of the family, because Mom wasn't close to her family. Dad's family became Mom's surrogate family in a way.
All in all, he was the best father ANYONE could have had. As I grew older, I heard my other friends tell me they wished their father was like mine. A lot of my friends didn't have what I now know, was a true blessing.
He passed away on October 29th, 2008. His funeral was actually on Halloween, something he would have gotten a kick out of.
October will always be a special time of year for me, because I love the changing of the seasons, the colors of the leaves as they turn, and the fact that Dad was born, and passed in the same month as all of this happens.
I love him, and I miss him.
And I hope when I'm gone, my ghost will love him too.
Until next time...
Friday, October 11, 2013
A Closet With No Door
Today is October 11th, and it is National Coming Out Day.
Something like this didn't exist when I was a youth, and if it had, I don't know if I would have "come out" any sooner than I did.
When I was in elementary school, I realized I wasn't like the other girls. They would play with dolls, wear dresses, play with their mom's makeup, and talk about the little boys in class that they thought were cute.
This was a mystery to me, and at that point in my life, boys weren't cute, they were just another kid to me, dresses were stupid, my "dolls" were G.I. Joe action figures, and if I touched anything that was mom's, she would have whooped my ass! LOL...
I liked being around other girls, but not in a sense where I thought they were cute. I just liked them better than the boys.
It wasn't until I was 12 years old, when I first read the term "homosexual". It was in a health textbook we had in class. There was a paragraph about homosexuals, and what they were defined as. It was then and there, where I finally figured out why I felt different about a lot of things.
I never told anyone about how I felt about being a lesbian in those formative years. I guess it was because I didn't know anyone else who felt the way I did, and they wouldn't understand what I was experiencing.
I DO NOT HATE MEN. Let me be clear with this! I just don't date them. Men are not the enemy to me, and never have been. I actually did date a man for close to two years, back in the late eighties. (That's right, no "Gold Star" Lesbian here!) I guess I was in denial, I freely admit it. This man was the only one I ever did anything intimate with. He wasn't a bad person, he actually did ask me to marry him, twice. I liked him, I just didn't love him. I liked the companionship. Long story short, he got kind of tired of me not really being "into him", and decided to move on. I don't blame him. The woman he ended up with after me, was everything he wanted a girlfriend to be, and I was happy for him.
I actually have been asked by straight guys, "Why do lesbians hate men?" I really can't provide an answer for that, because I don't hate men. But, I can understand why anyone would "hate" a person, because of the shitty treatment they got, or who was physically or mentally abused by someone. Some lesbians have been treated like shit by men, be it in a family situation, or from strangers who are assholes and uneducated.
For the most part, I wasn't exposed to boorish comments, while I grew up, about gays and lesbians. My mom and dad, immediate family, friends, etc., really didn't say awful things about anyone. But, when I was in school, the other kid's comments about different races, different cultures, different lifestyles, were enough to curl your hair. I realized that if you were "different", other than being straight and white to some of the kids I went to school with, it was best to keep quiet about how I was and what I thought. Simply put, it just wasn't worth the drama.
The term "In the closet", is one that I really don't identify with. While it's true, I didn't talk about my personal feelings with anyone, I just didn't think anyone would care. It had nothing to do with hiding my true self. I just went about my business and did what I wanted. I guess if you had to call me being closeted, at all, I just view it as probably standing there, in a closet, but with no door to close.
I finally decided in 1993, that it was time to start talking about my feelings to my family. Mom claims that she "knew I was a lesbian" as early as 1983, when I was still in high school. It would have been nice if she had tried to begin a dialog with me back then, but I guess she decided to wait for me to come to her. She had to wait 10 years before I did.
The catalyst of me deciding to talk about myself, and to be more true to myself, happened on December 27th, 1992. A friend of mine, who I worked with closely at the warehouse job I had at the time, was suddenly killed in a freak car accident near her home. I spent the next month or so, mourning the loss of someone who was a nice person, who liked working with me, and joking around with me. Her husband didn't like me, he thought I was some dyke who was going to take his wife away from him. (He was an ASSHOLE. Enough about him.) While I did like my friend, her name was Kay, I didn't have feelings for her. We were just co-workers, and got along and had fun. (Her death was a jarring experience, and followed me for a long time, until I was able to resolve my issues about her passing, when I started going to therapy, back in 2011.)
The first family member I came out to, was my dad. We were at a Wendy's having dinner. I had been trying to decide when it would be a good time to tell him, and while we were in this Wendy's, a song by k.d. lang came on over the speakers. That was all I needed! LOL! So, I told him I was gay. His answer was, "And?" :-) We spent the next hour talking about how I had felt all these years, and me worrying about what mom and my brother would think. Dad said, "Mom isn't going to hate you. She would probably like it if you did talk to her about this." So I would, but it wouldn't be for another 6 months. I told my brother next, and his reaction was, "Well, that explains a lot." It didn't bother him. Finally, mom's reaction when I told her was, "I knew you were gay when you were 17."
Even though she knew, she struggled with me being a lesbian. I don't know why it bothered her at the time. She is fine with it now, she will even ask me things pertaining to LGBT issues. She wont discuss anything pertaining to my personal life. As of this post, I am single, and I think I am destined to be single. Even if I had been straight, she wouldn't have discussed my personal life.
So, there you have it. I have been "out" if you will, for 20 years now, and although it wasn't something I hid, I just didn't think it was necessary to talk about it. I have had great support from friends and family. I have also heard the stupid remarks and been asked silly questions too. This is fine, I would rather educate someone, and enlighten them, if I think it would make a difference, rather than to argue with someone who won't change their perception and stay closed minded.
Until next time........ :-)
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
A Fine Line Between Curious and Obsessed
The title was a grabber, wasn't it? HA! Well, it is something about me, that can be a good thing, or a bad thing, depending on who you ask.
My ex girlfriend used to tell me I could find anything on the internet. I have to admit, there are times when I surprise myself, with the things that I do find. When I am interested in something, or someone, I keep looking and things just happen to turn up.
I had a friend that I used to hang out with years ago, who called me a "stalker", because of the things I found when I was looking up things about folks on the internet. I am not a stalker, by any sense of the word, I can't help looking for things when I'm interested in someone or something.
Tonight, this proved true again, when I was on Facebook, looking at photos. This particular Facebook page, is of a person who is in adult films. (Please don't laugh at me, I'm lonely!) I think this person is rather hot, but not just because of the films. There are other things about this person that you can find on YouTube, that isn't porn. (Stop laughing! LOL) Anyway, this person is married, and by chance, I clicked on this person's friend list, and I found her wife. Yes, I clicked on her wife's page, and saw all kinds of things, and photos. No, the photos weren't naughty! IT'S FACEBOOK! Facebook won't let you private message an adult film's website page to another person. I tried doing that, to send my friend a link, and it totally kicked me, and my friend off Facebook. LOL! So, now you know, don't try it.
So, I am looking at the wedding pictures of this adult film star, and her wife. Way cool. Now that I have seen this, I don't think I'll go back again, but it is things like this that I find intriguing about people.... You can be this hardcore person in a fantasy life, but off screen, you are just another run of the mill person, making a living, by doing smut. What a country we live in.
I wished the internet had been around when I was in school. I might have done better in school, who knows? The way I get on the internet, and try to find things, makes me wonder sometimes.
My ex girlfriend used to tell me I could find anything on the internet. I have to admit, there are times when I surprise myself, with the things that I do find. When I am interested in something, or someone, I keep looking and things just happen to turn up.
I had a friend that I used to hang out with years ago, who called me a "stalker", because of the things I found when I was looking up things about folks on the internet. I am not a stalker, by any sense of the word, I can't help looking for things when I'm interested in someone or something.
Tonight, this proved true again, when I was on Facebook, looking at photos. This particular Facebook page, is of a person who is in adult films. (Please don't laugh at me, I'm lonely!) I think this person is rather hot, but not just because of the films. There are other things about this person that you can find on YouTube, that isn't porn. (Stop laughing! LOL) Anyway, this person is married, and by chance, I clicked on this person's friend list, and I found her wife. Yes, I clicked on her wife's page, and saw all kinds of things, and photos. No, the photos weren't naughty! IT'S FACEBOOK! Facebook won't let you private message an adult film's website page to another person. I tried doing that, to send my friend a link, and it totally kicked me, and my friend off Facebook. LOL! So, now you know, don't try it.
So, I am looking at the wedding pictures of this adult film star, and her wife. Way cool. Now that I have seen this, I don't think I'll go back again, but it is things like this that I find intriguing about people.... You can be this hardcore person in a fantasy life, but off screen, you are just another run of the mill person, making a living, by doing smut. What a country we live in.
I wished the internet had been around when I was in school. I might have done better in school, who knows? The way I get on the internet, and try to find things, makes me wonder sometimes.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Time For An Update, Sorry I Haven't Written In Awhile
Well, here I am again. It has been almost 18 months (holy shit) since I wrote anything. When I saw the date of my last posting, I realized I stopped writing around the time I lost my job. When you lose your job, you also kind of lose your mind too. LOL! So, to bring you up to date, here are a few things that are worth mentioning:
I have been trying to find another job. NO ONE IS HIRING! I don't get it. I'm either over qualified for a job, or not qualified enough. This fucking blows! My severance ran out last November, and I went on unemployment, only to get it cut off because I didn't send it the required paperwork, which is bullshit, because I did. I faxed 10 pages to the NC unemployment folks on 3 separate occasions, and they still cut me off. I had to wait for a hearing to be scheduled to get my money started again, which took 6 fucking weeks! So, they realized that I did have all the paper work in, so they restarted my money, only they cut the payment in half! 6 weeks later, they cut it off again, because of the stupid shit the governor of NC, Pat McCrotch, did. So, I have been working at temp jobs that I am uber over qualified to do, but that is all there is out there.
In case you were wondering, I am still single. For the most part, I have pretty much given up on finding anyone. Or to be more specific, I have decided to stop chasing after women, and just let them come to me. If I do end up being alone for the rest of my days, it is something that I will just have to deal with. Women are a mystery to me. Why the hell we act the way we do, is pretty fucked up.
I do have some very cool and wonderful friends though, who I do spend time with, which makes up for any kind of loneliness I suffer through. I have my wonderful cats, as well. Without them, I would probably be a damn basket case, ever more than I think I am now.
One of the things that I did do, to occupy my mind and time last year, was doing amateur photography for a venue here in town, called The Chop Shop. For over a year, I would go to most of the shows, and take photos for their Facebook page. I wasn't paid for it, but that didn't matter to me, I needed to do something to keep myself from going batshit crazy. I have to admit, it was a pretty cool experience. When Jay Tilyard asked me to do the photography, he said, "Give it a try. This might be something you end up liking to do." He was right, I do enjoy taking photos of my friends and other folks that I know, who are in bands. The bulk of my "work", I guess you could call it that, is on the Facebook page for the Chop Shop. As of right now, I don't go there and take the photos like I used to. I started working at these temp jobs, and couldn't be out late at night, like I had been.
So, like I said at the beginning of this post, it has been 18 months since I wrote anything. Being unemployed, you would think I would have all the time in the world to write. Truth of the matter is, I just didn't feel like writing. When I started this blog, it was to channel my feelings and thoughts about a woman I liked way too much. To be honest, she was my muse, and that was why I wanted to write in the first place. What bullshit. LOL! Ok, that isn't fair, I'm sorry. But it is true, I fell for someone who wasn't right for me, and I knew it would have never worked out. I have no idea why I had the feelings I did. I am just glad I kept it under wraps and didn't make a fool of myself. I didn't want her to find out, but in the end, she did. It wasn't the end of the world, although I was embarrassed to a degree. It's all behind me, and I chalked it up to one of those "life lessons" I had to learn.
And now, here is the part about where I tell you how THRILLING it is, to work for temp agencies. There is nothing more exciting than being on the rosters of about 7 temp agencies in Charlotte, and no one sends you out to do anything! Fuck this shit! LOL! Any of the jobs I have been sent to, I had to pretty much beg for. I have worked at a DVD place, where out of 100 folks who worked there, 87 of them spoke Spanish. The managers and folks in the office, and me where the only English speaking folks. In the brief time I was there, I got pretty good at the art of pantomime, because that was the only way we could communicate with each other. I do have my doubts though, regarding how much English the Spanish speaking ladies actually knew. Some days, we could carry on a conversation, then other days, they didn't know English. CRAP! The worst place I got sent to, was this cracker factory in North Charlotte. I didn't get to work handling the product, they only wanted me there to SCRUB DOWN THE WALLS WITH HAND SANITIZER! WTF!? You would think a place like this, that makes food, would have their own CLEANING STAFF! Holy shit! OMG! It was the longest 7 hours of my life. I didn't go back either. Don't hate me.
I actually got a temp job back at Wells Fargo, at their distribution center, close to Huntersville. It was like being in a mini boot camp of sorts. The female boss, and her male assistant, pretty much treated the temp workers like we were new recruits in the Army. We got yelled at for standing around, not moving fast enough, taking too long for a bathroom break, talking, breathing, etc. I can't tell you how discouraging it is, to try to work as hard as you can at a production job, and you can't make the goal they set. For one thing, how they had us set up to work, was to make sure that the folks that weren't fast enough would fail. I was one of them. We had to run to get our supplies, we had to run to take boxes to be checked, run back to the work station, we weren't allowed to stock up on supplies to keep us from doing all the running in the first place. The female boss talked to us like we were all 10 years old, and her male assistant was a jerk. I worked 6 days straight, two of those days were Saturday and Sunday, only to be told on the 6th day, to not come back, because I couldn't make goal. Some folks just aren't cut out for production work. I did my best though, and I was kind of relieved to not to have to go back, because the female boss I had, was a total bitch. I feel sorry for her family!
The most recent temp job I had, was working at this place where they repair coffee machines. It was assembly line type stuff, pretty repetitive, and boring. I was at the end of the line, repacking the machines in the boxes that they were taken out of at the beginning of the line. To combat the total mind numbing boredom, they did let the folks that had mp3 players on their phones, play some music to keep us from going postal. Unfortunately, this job has come to a stop at the moment, and I don't know when we will be going back. The folks there didn't communicate very well with the temp agency recruiter we had, because she was thinking that we would be there another week, but they didn't tell the recruiter there was no more work to be done, they told us, the staff this, thinking we would tell the recruiter. Talk about being a dick! LOL! The recruiter was blowing up my phone that afternoon, asking me what was going on, because others in the crew I was in, were calling her asking her what was going on. Sometimes, ya just have to laugh, but this isn't funny, I need a damn job, dammit! Lol!
Since I have no job, or insurance, I had to stop going to see my therapist. I really enjoyed talking to her, she really helped me though a rough time in my life. It was either go and see her, or kill my manager that I had, right before I got laid off at the bank. Since I am a total chicken shit, and don't want to find out firsthand what the North Carolina version of "Orange is the new Black" is like, I chose therapy. My therapist is awesome, and once I have steady employment, I will see her again. (If I do want to see a lesbian lock up of sorts, I can order a DVD off LilyCade.com) LOL!
So, that is about it. Over the last 18 months, I have learned quite a lot about myself. My outlook on life has changed a lot, and it kind of bothers me. I used to be quite optimistic about the future, but the tests that the Universe has been putting me through, are wearing me down. I don't like the way I feel about things, but I do know they will change. All I want to do, is find a job.
Until next time.... See you later. :-)
I have been trying to find another job. NO ONE IS HIRING! I don't get it. I'm either over qualified for a job, or not qualified enough. This fucking blows! My severance ran out last November, and I went on unemployment, only to get it cut off because I didn't send it the required paperwork, which is bullshit, because I did. I faxed 10 pages to the NC unemployment folks on 3 separate occasions, and they still cut me off. I had to wait for a hearing to be scheduled to get my money started again, which took 6 fucking weeks! So, they realized that I did have all the paper work in, so they restarted my money, only they cut the payment in half! 6 weeks later, they cut it off again, because of the stupid shit the governor of NC, Pat McCrotch, did. So, I have been working at temp jobs that I am uber over qualified to do, but that is all there is out there.
In case you were wondering, I am still single. For the most part, I have pretty much given up on finding anyone. Or to be more specific, I have decided to stop chasing after women, and just let them come to me. If I do end up being alone for the rest of my days, it is something that I will just have to deal with. Women are a mystery to me. Why the hell we act the way we do, is pretty fucked up.
I do have some very cool and wonderful friends though, who I do spend time with, which makes up for any kind of loneliness I suffer through. I have my wonderful cats, as well. Without them, I would probably be a damn basket case, ever more than I think I am now.
One of the things that I did do, to occupy my mind and time last year, was doing amateur photography for a venue here in town, called The Chop Shop. For over a year, I would go to most of the shows, and take photos for their Facebook page. I wasn't paid for it, but that didn't matter to me, I needed to do something to keep myself from going batshit crazy. I have to admit, it was a pretty cool experience. When Jay Tilyard asked me to do the photography, he said, "Give it a try. This might be something you end up liking to do." He was right, I do enjoy taking photos of my friends and other folks that I know, who are in bands. The bulk of my "work", I guess you could call it that, is on the Facebook page for the Chop Shop. As of right now, I don't go there and take the photos like I used to. I started working at these temp jobs, and couldn't be out late at night, like I had been.
So, like I said at the beginning of this post, it has been 18 months since I wrote anything. Being unemployed, you would think I would have all the time in the world to write. Truth of the matter is, I just didn't feel like writing. When I started this blog, it was to channel my feelings and thoughts about a woman I liked way too much. To be honest, she was my muse, and that was why I wanted to write in the first place. What bullshit. LOL! Ok, that isn't fair, I'm sorry. But it is true, I fell for someone who wasn't right for me, and I knew it would have never worked out. I have no idea why I had the feelings I did. I am just glad I kept it under wraps and didn't make a fool of myself. I didn't want her to find out, but in the end, she did. It wasn't the end of the world, although I was embarrassed to a degree. It's all behind me, and I chalked it up to one of those "life lessons" I had to learn.
And now, here is the part about where I tell you how THRILLING it is, to work for temp agencies. There is nothing more exciting than being on the rosters of about 7 temp agencies in Charlotte, and no one sends you out to do anything! Fuck this shit! LOL! Any of the jobs I have been sent to, I had to pretty much beg for. I have worked at a DVD place, where out of 100 folks who worked there, 87 of them spoke Spanish. The managers and folks in the office, and me where the only English speaking folks. In the brief time I was there, I got pretty good at the art of pantomime, because that was the only way we could communicate with each other. I do have my doubts though, regarding how much English the Spanish speaking ladies actually knew. Some days, we could carry on a conversation, then other days, they didn't know English. CRAP! The worst place I got sent to, was this cracker factory in North Charlotte. I didn't get to work handling the product, they only wanted me there to SCRUB DOWN THE WALLS WITH HAND SANITIZER! WTF!? You would think a place like this, that makes food, would have their own CLEANING STAFF! Holy shit! OMG! It was the longest 7 hours of my life. I didn't go back either. Don't hate me.
I actually got a temp job back at Wells Fargo, at their distribution center, close to Huntersville. It was like being in a mini boot camp of sorts. The female boss, and her male assistant, pretty much treated the temp workers like we were new recruits in the Army. We got yelled at for standing around, not moving fast enough, taking too long for a bathroom break, talking, breathing, etc. I can't tell you how discouraging it is, to try to work as hard as you can at a production job, and you can't make the goal they set. For one thing, how they had us set up to work, was to make sure that the folks that weren't fast enough would fail. I was one of them. We had to run to get our supplies, we had to run to take boxes to be checked, run back to the work station, we weren't allowed to stock up on supplies to keep us from doing all the running in the first place. The female boss talked to us like we were all 10 years old, and her male assistant was a jerk. I worked 6 days straight, two of those days were Saturday and Sunday, only to be told on the 6th day, to not come back, because I couldn't make goal. Some folks just aren't cut out for production work. I did my best though, and I was kind of relieved to not to have to go back, because the female boss I had, was a total bitch. I feel sorry for her family!
The most recent temp job I had, was working at this place where they repair coffee machines. It was assembly line type stuff, pretty repetitive, and boring. I was at the end of the line, repacking the machines in the boxes that they were taken out of at the beginning of the line. To combat the total mind numbing boredom, they did let the folks that had mp3 players on their phones, play some music to keep us from going postal. Unfortunately, this job has come to a stop at the moment, and I don't know when we will be going back. The folks there didn't communicate very well with the temp agency recruiter we had, because she was thinking that we would be there another week, but they didn't tell the recruiter there was no more work to be done, they told us, the staff this, thinking we would tell the recruiter. Talk about being a dick! LOL! The recruiter was blowing up my phone that afternoon, asking me what was going on, because others in the crew I was in, were calling her asking her what was going on. Sometimes, ya just have to laugh, but this isn't funny, I need a damn job, dammit! Lol!
Since I have no job, or insurance, I had to stop going to see my therapist. I really enjoyed talking to her, she really helped me though a rough time in my life. It was either go and see her, or kill my manager that I had, right before I got laid off at the bank. Since I am a total chicken shit, and don't want to find out firsthand what the North Carolina version of "Orange is the new Black" is like, I chose therapy. My therapist is awesome, and once I have steady employment, I will see her again. (If I do want to see a lesbian lock up of sorts, I can order a DVD off LilyCade.com) LOL!
So, that is about it. Over the last 18 months, I have learned quite a lot about myself. My outlook on life has changed a lot, and it kind of bothers me. I used to be quite optimistic about the future, but the tests that the Universe has been putting me through, are wearing me down. I don't like the way I feel about things, but I do know they will change. All I want to do, is find a job.
Until next time.... See you later. :-)
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