A Closet With No Door

Today is October 11th, and it is National Coming Out Day. Something like this didn't exist when I was a youth, and if it had, I don't know if I would have "come out" any sooner than I did. When I was in elementary school, I realized I wasn't like the other girls. They would play with dolls, wear dresses, play with their mom's makeup, and talk about the little boys in class that they thought were cute. This was a mystery to me, and at that point in my life, boys weren't cute, they were just another kid to me, dresses were stupid, my "dolls" were G.I. Joe action figures, and if I touched anything that was mom's, she would have whooped my ass! LOL... I liked being around other girls, but not in a sense where I thought they were cute. I just liked them better than the boys. It wasn't until I was 12 years old, when I first read the term "homosexual". It was in a health textbook we had in class. There was a paragraph about homosexuals, and what they were defined as. It was then and there, where I finally figured out why I felt different about a lot of things. I never told anyone about how I felt about being a lesbian in those formative years. I guess it was because I didn't know anyone else who felt the way I did, and they wouldn't understand what I was experiencing. I DO NOT HATE MEN. Let me be clear with this! I just don't date them. Men are not the enemy to me, and never have been. I actually did date a man for close to two years, back in the late eighties. (That's right, no "Gold Star" Lesbian here!) I guess I was in denial, I freely admit it. This man was the only one I ever did anything intimate with. He wasn't a bad person, he actually did ask me to marry him, twice. I liked him, I just didn't love him. I liked the companionship. Long story short, he got kind of tired of me not really being "into him", and decided to move on. I don't blame him. The woman he ended up with after me, was everything he wanted a girlfriend to be, and I was happy for him. I actually have been asked by straight guys, "Why do lesbians hate men?" I really can't provide an answer for that, because I don't hate men. But, I can understand why anyone would "hate" a person, because of the shitty treatment they got, or who was physically or mentally abused by someone. Some lesbians have been treated like shit by men, be it in a family situation, or from strangers who are assholes and uneducated. For the most part, I wasn't exposed to boorish comments, while I grew up, about gays and lesbians. My mom and dad, immediate family, friends, etc., really didn't say awful things about anyone. But, when I was in school, the other kid's comments about different races, different cultures, different lifestyles, were enough to curl your hair. I realized that if you were "different", other than being straight and white to some of the kids I went to school with, it was best to keep quiet about how I was and what I thought. Simply put, it just wasn't worth the drama. The term "In the closet", is one that I really don't identify with. While it's true, I didn't talk about my personal feelings with anyone, I just didn't think anyone would care. It had nothing to do with hiding my true self. I just went about my business and did what I wanted. I guess if you had to call me being closeted, at all, I just view it as probably standing there, in a closet, but with no door to close. I finally decided in 1993, that it was time to start talking about my feelings to my family. Mom claims that she "knew I was a lesbian" as early as 1983, when I was still in high school. It would have been nice if she had tried to begin a dialog with me back then, but I guess she decided to wait for me to come to her. She had to wait 10 years before I did. The catalyst of me deciding to talk about myself, and to be more true to myself, happened on December 27th, 1992. A friend of mine, who I worked with closely at the warehouse job I had at the time, was suddenly killed in a freak car accident near her home. I spent the next month or so, mourning the loss of someone who was a nice person, who liked working with me, and joking around with me. Her husband didn't like me, he thought I was some dyke who was going to take his wife away from him. (He was an ASSHOLE. Enough about him.) While I did like my friend, her name was Kay, I didn't have feelings for her. We were just co-workers, and got along and had fun. (Her death was a jarring experience, and followed me for a long time, until I was able to resolve my issues about her passing, when I started going to therapy, back in 2011.) The first family member I came out to, was my dad. We were at a Wendy's having dinner. I had been trying to decide when it would be a good time to tell him, and while we were in this Wendy's, a song by k.d. lang came on over the speakers. That was all I needed! LOL! So, I told him I was gay. His answer was, "And?" :-) We spent the next hour talking about how I had felt all these years, and me worrying about what mom and my brother would think. Dad said, "Mom isn't going to hate you. She would probably like it if you did talk to her about this." So I would, but it wouldn't be for another 6 months. I told my brother next, and his reaction was, "Well, that explains a lot." It didn't bother him. Finally, mom's reaction when I told her was, "I knew you were gay when you were 17." Even though she knew, she struggled with me being a lesbian. I don't know why it bothered her at the time. She is fine with it now, she will even ask me things pertaining to LGBT issues. She wont discuss anything pertaining to my personal life. As of this post, I am single, and I think I am destined to be single. Even if I had been straight, she wouldn't have discussed my personal life. So, there you have it. I have been "out" if you will, for 20 years now, and although it wasn't something I hid, I just didn't think it was necessary to talk about it. I have had great support from friends and family. I have also heard the stupid remarks and been asked silly questions too. This is fine, I would rather educate someone, and enlighten them, if I think it would make a difference, rather than to argue with someone who won't change their perception and stay closed minded. Until next time........ :-)