Single White Lesbian

Being single is as close to death as I want to be. I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I'm out of sync with mankind. I don't like the fact that I am single, but then again, it beats being with someone who is only with you, to use you, and oh God, I have been used so many times.  No one will use me anymore though, I do believe I have developed a little more self esteem to be a stronger woman.  I'm not to the point where I want to declare that life sucks, because there is more to life than having a companion. But, I am only human, to want a partner, right? 

I'm the type of person, who has a sociable personality.  I think I'm fun to be with, and that I would make a great friend to someone.  I go out and try to make friends.  It is not easy to be accepted into an established friendship circle of other lesbians.  It looks like if we wanted more love understanding and peace in the community, we would want to all get along, and give each other emotional support, but it's not the case.

Too many of the lesbians that I encounter, have been hurt, lied to, used, and dumped by other women, and have built a wall around them, to try to protect themselves.  I understand that, as I have been hurt a lot by other women, too. 

I have been interested in more than a few ladies around town.  I have had my crushes.  I have tried to drop hints about how I feel, even went as far to ask some of them out for dates.  It can't be because I'm not attractive, because I have seen many lesbian couples together, and some of those pairings just don't make any sense, if you go by aesthetics, lol....

I wish women could see me for what I really am, a woman of integrity, honesty, and someone who can also be interesting, someone you can feel comfortable talking to.

I just don't get it.  There is nothing wrong with me.  Surely, it can't be that everyone else is fucked up in this city.  That doesn't make any sense.

I feel like the word "Undateable" is branded on me somewhere.  I also feel like someone went around town, and told lies about me.  But, I've done nothing to warrant this kind of thing.  God forbid, I hope I am not becoming paranoid.

I don't like how things are going, or this hand that I have been dealt.  But I have to keep moving forward. 

A Sense Of Self

Being in therapy, has taught me many things.  Having a great therapist, is truly a blessing.  After many discussions, there are patterns that my therapist is seeing in me, that have kept me in a vicious circle of repeated mistakes.  My problems stem from a weird childhood.  No, I wasnt molested, beaten, abused, etc.  I had parents that were married, and stayed married till my father passed away, in 2008.  My dad was the only person I could really talk to.  I was closest to him, because he spent time with me, and offered the best advice he could.  He listened to me, without judgement.  I'm sure he thought I was off my rocker several times, but he never said it.  LOL...  Dad and mom both worked, kept the bills paid, didn't drink, and fight, didn't run around on each other, pretty much went to work, and came home. Me and my brother were well provided for.  We had things, but we didn't have "everything" like some kids do now days.

My mom and me were never really close.  She did make sure I was taken care of, fed, clothed, went to school, etc.  There was no real emotional bond, though.   So, it was dad that took up that end of the parenting.  When he died in 2008, a part of me went with him.  I did the best I could for the next 3 years.  It was October of 2011, when I finally emotionally imploded.

Having a complete bitch for a manager at my job didn't help.  After having possibly the roughest weekend of my life, (the previous Saturday would have been my dad's 73rd birthday)  I come to work and my boss is relentless at nit picking my sanity to pieces.  I actually lost it, in a one on one meeting with my asshole boss on a Wednesday afternoon.  I was promptly sent home with a brochure containing a phone number for the "counselors on call" for my job.  How humiliating.  How disgusted I was, letting that bitch see me fall apart, letting her know she got in my fucking head.  Dammit to hell, I was pissed off.

But, it turned out to be the best thing to happen to me ever.  I did find a wonderful therapist who is helping me now, helping me see things with a more clear view.  As I said before... truly a blessing.

Im seeing things now, that I have missed before, due to my clouded vision.  I'm experiencing new emotions, and different feelings.  I am mad at myself, for letting so many people use me, for so long.  It was a survival instinct, one learned from many years of pretty much feeling rejected.  As a child, and even into adulthood, I never felt like I was normal.  I always felt like I was different.  I felt like I didn't matter.  So, I did things that I shouldn't have done, just to keep "friends" in my life.  Imagine, feeling like you never belonged, wasnt popular, from childhood, to adulthood.  You feel distant. 

So, I let folks use me, because, they may have been using me, but there was someone in my life, that was spending time with me... albeit, it was never quality time, though.  lol...

When you find your feet for really the first time in your life, and you stand up for yourself,  it is liberating.  You feel so different.  You also start to stop doing things for folks, and they then, are kind of "surprised" about it.  I'm having to learn to say "No" to a lot of people.  Sometimes its easy, but sometimes, I say no, and it hurts, because I do like the person that is asking for help, but I know that they have way more abundant resources to use, and should go out and make an effort they may not want to make.  And then, it hurts more when they stop coming around after you have told them no, because then, you realize they didnt give a shit about you to begin with.

It is situations like that, that make you grow, and make you stronger within, even though you feel pretty bad about it.  I have cried several times.  I had to.  I needed to.  The emotions had to be set free.

So that is what is going on with me at the moment.  Watching folks "disappear" from my life, that only wanted me as a part time friend.  It does hurt, but I will get over it, and move on.  I have to.  It is the only way to be, and the best thing for me in the long run. 

Just wished that it hadn't taken me 46 years to finally find my feet to stand up to folks who didn't have my best interests at heart. 
Ugh.

An Empty Seat Just Became Available

Early on Monday morning, I said goodbye to someone. It wasnt a goodbye in the traditional sense, and it was something that I didn't want to do. I deleted someone who I did actually like, off my Facebook friends list. Usually, the deleting is few and far between with me. I don't have many friends on my Facebook list. Right now, its at 138. These are people that I have known for a long time, that I have worked with, gone to school with, went out drinking with, and was a part of their lives. While I do manage to not force my way into someone's freindship circles, there are friends of friends I do ask first, if we can be friends on Facebook. Which brings me to the person that I didn't want to, but did delete. She is an interesting person, in every sense of the word, and someone that I thought would make my life a bit more enjoyable. It was nothing terrible that I did, that turned her off. Like everyone else on the planet, she has her issues, her hang ups, her pet peeves. Things that annoyed her. That is probably what happened, some of my joking and kidding around, annoyed her, and she made the decision to not "unfriend" me, but to place me on a list that kept me from making comments on her page, from seeing any of her photos that she had posted, and from reading her updates. In short, kind of suspended me in Facebook limbo: Yes, I can see your page, but I cant participate in anything on it. This is what I didn't understand; If I bothered her that much, why didnt she just unfriend me? "If you don't want me to comment on your page, or see your photos, or read your newsfeed... Unfriend me." It is just a part of life, this rejection that happens to many. I'm sorry that she didn't seem to find me all that interesting, but she could have been a lil more honest, and upfront. But, if she didn't have the nerve to do it, and she thought that if I was deleted, it would make another friend of mine upset, to her, I say this: My friend already had emotions for you, before you even knew I existed. To stay a friend with me, after you and her parted ways, just to keep any kind of peace, didn't matter.  Lesbians are a complicated lot. I will never understand them. ;-) So, in the quiet still of that Monday morning, I freed her, from my friends list. In a way, I freed myself too... and freed up another spot on my list, for someone who will actually enjoy my company, and see that im a rare gem, indeed.

This Unrequited Love Is Tearing Me Apart

You still light a fire in my soul.  I wish I could have told you this.  When I see you, you still give me butterflies.  I cant tell you this though.  For over a year, being in love with you, and not being able to tell you this, has caused thunderstorms within me.  Yes, I finally said it.  I am in love with you.  If you only knew, Im not sure how you would feel, or would have felt.  I couldnt tell you, because if you rejected me, it would have destroyed me.  I have tried everything to get over you, and I have failed.  I think I have hidden it well, because you have no clue about it.  I know you are happy with where you are now, and Im happy for you.  Yet, at the same time, I am dying inside.  I really do love you.  I dont know why I do.  I will be ok though.  Just know this...  If ever in your life you ever thought no one cared about you, or no one sincerely loved you, take comfort in knowing I loved you unconditionally, uncontrollably, and... unrequitedly.