I can't help it if you weren't interested in me.
Nor can I help it, if I couldn't get close to you.
If it isn't in my heart
Or in my soul
It won't happen.
The same goes for you, I suppose.
Funny thing, this "attraction"
That causes all the joy and pain in life.
I wanted to be with you.
You ran.
You ignored.
You blocked.
I wondered.
I tried to understand.
I cried.
Just wasn't meant to be.
Just don't be surprised
When I don't want to talk to you
Or to hang around with you.
I had to get over the fact that I wasn't "your type".
Even though I had the qualities you wanted in a lover
I had to remind myself that the "attraction" wasn't there.
It isn't about being attractive. But attraction.
I used to yell, "What bullshit is this?"
But now I understand.
And now I struggle with the fact that
I seem to not even qualify as friendship material.
This is where I draw the line
And just go where you are not.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Just Liz
I do things because I want to.
I do things to bring me joy.
While some of the things I do are for others,
What I do isn't necessarily for you.
I like doing things for others
And they seem to like it, too
But when the day comes you take it for granted
I walk away from you.
I want to still hang around with friends
It is hard when they start acting weird
I didn't do anything to make that so
I don't care I'm "feared".
I'm not mad or bitter
Because your read more into what it is.
I just feel bad for you
Because I am just being Liz.
I do things to bring me joy.
While some of the things I do are for others,
What I do isn't necessarily for you.
I like doing things for others
And they seem to like it, too
But when the day comes you take it for granted
I walk away from you.
I want to still hang around with friends
It is hard when they start acting weird
I didn't do anything to make that so
I don't care I'm "feared".
I'm not mad or bitter
Because your read more into what it is.
I just feel bad for you
Because I am just being Liz.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
My Crush's Body Double
I didn't write the words to the songs you sing.
It isn't important, or anything.
When I write I try to bring
My words to come forth, within my mental spring.
You can't save me
Because I'm not in trouble.
You can't save me
It isn't your place.
You couldn't save me
Unless you were my crush's body double.
You can't save me.
To only save face.
I did my best, and got nowhere.
I changed all that around.
I do my best now for me.
I think it's more fair.
Keep your memories of me
Stored away safe.
And I will be polite.
I might think of you sometime.
Until I do...
Goodnight.
It isn't important, or anything.
When I write I try to bring
My words to come forth, within my mental spring.
You can't save me
Because I'm not in trouble.
You can't save me
It isn't your place.
You couldn't save me
Unless you were my crush's body double.
You can't save me.
To only save face.
I did my best, and got nowhere.
I changed all that around.
I do my best now for me.
I think it's more fair.
Keep your memories of me
Stored away safe.
And I will be polite.
I might think of you sometime.
Until I do...
Goodnight.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Thoughts And Distractions
As November quietly left and held the door open for December, I headed home.
The clear night sky only sported the stars, and left room for my thoughts.
So much to think about.
I think about this woman.
I can't stop.
It could develop into madness, but I won't let it.
I thought about what another woman had said.
And how stupid she was for saying it.
She should know better.
It pissed me off, but after a nights sleep
I decided to just shelve her for the moment and move on.
I thought about how nice it would be
To have a girlfriend.
Who am I kidding?
Maybe I'm better off alone.
It will change one day,
But she will have to find me, this time.
I thought about how beautiful the sunset was this evening
The pinks and purples and streaks of clouds in the twilight.
I thought about how much I do love this time of year.
And how I don't let the chaos of the holiday season get to me.
I thought about her again.
And again. And again.
It is useless, but I cant help it.
My thoughts are scattered around
Like the dead leaves of autumn.
Shuffle through my mind,
Kick them around like the leaves
Watch the wind scatter them into new piles.
Walk through them and kick them around again.
Look at them from a different angle.
Needlessly dissecting them as I do.
Think too much.
I think about how insecurity, and jealousy
Seems to follow me, and when I discover them
They are disguised as people I know.
Well, people I thought I knew.
I don't understand jealousy.
It is useless to me.
And dammit, just like that
She pops into my mind AGAIN.
Sigh.
Maybe she knows that
She takes my mind off
The stupid stuff I think about.
She will fade too.
This (hopefully) harmless distraction.
Everything transitions out.
I wish the jealousy would.
Stupid jealousy.
Stupid insecurity.
You make me shelve things that pisses me off,
Because I don't want to deal
With the drama it brings.
I don't have time for that.
The only thing I have time for
In the free time I have,
Is her.
And there she is again.
And as my mind hugs her image
I thank her for distracting me,
Yet again.
The clear night sky only sported the stars, and left room for my thoughts.
So much to think about.
I think about this woman.
I can't stop.
It could develop into madness, but I won't let it.
I thought about what another woman had said.
And how stupid she was for saying it.
She should know better.
It pissed me off, but after a nights sleep
I decided to just shelve her for the moment and move on.
I thought about how nice it would be
To have a girlfriend.
Who am I kidding?
Maybe I'm better off alone.
It will change one day,
But she will have to find me, this time.
I thought about how beautiful the sunset was this evening
The pinks and purples and streaks of clouds in the twilight.
I thought about how much I do love this time of year.
And how I don't let the chaos of the holiday season get to me.
I thought about her again.
And again. And again.
It is useless, but I cant help it.
My thoughts are scattered around
Like the dead leaves of autumn.
Shuffle through my mind,
Kick them around like the leaves
Watch the wind scatter them into new piles.
Walk through them and kick them around again.
Look at them from a different angle.
Needlessly dissecting them as I do.
Think too much.
I think about how insecurity, and jealousy
Seems to follow me, and when I discover them
They are disguised as people I know.
Well, people I thought I knew.
I don't understand jealousy.
It is useless to me.
And dammit, just like that
She pops into my mind AGAIN.
Sigh.
Maybe she knows that
She takes my mind off
The stupid stuff I think about.
She will fade too.
This (hopefully) harmless distraction.
Everything transitions out.
I wish the jealousy would.
Stupid jealousy.
Stupid insecurity.
You make me shelve things that pisses me off,
Because I don't want to deal
With the drama it brings.
I don't have time for that.
The only thing I have time for
In the free time I have,
Is her.
And there she is again.
And as my mind hugs her image
I thank her for distracting me,
Yet again.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Almost
I tried.
But as usual, it is not enough.
From my jobs to my relationships
To my friendships.
It is never enough.
It's a life of almost there,
Missed it by that much
Day late, a dollar short.
Never enough.
Not in the right place.
Not at the right time.
Constantly running on an infinity shaped path
That leads to nowhere.
Then I'm told I try too hard.
Which I don't believe.
I sat there with her that night,
And I knew she wanted to ask me something.
I knew she wanted to.
She didn't.
I left her house
And any chance for more than what I have now,
Behind.
This is how life has shaped me.
From friends in school,
To friends in adult life.
It is never enough.
I'm nice.
I'm average.
I have a lot to offer,
Respect, love, truth, honesty, integrity.
It isn't enough, though.
This is why I gave up on finding
Someone to love.
Who ever would have me
Would have been blessed,
I think.
But the bullshit that we all went through
At one point in our lives
Has rendered us
Afraid of opening up.
Afraid of accepting love.
When I am polite to someone,
Or am friendly to someone
They think I am flirting
And they cut me off and leave.
Afraid.
Afraid I will want them.
I just wanted a friend.
When did it become so complicated
That you can't be just a friend?
I wished she would have asked me.
I wished she would have told me what was on her mind,
What she was thinking.
If nothing
It would have been
Interesting.
I almost found out.
But as usual, it is not enough.
From my jobs to my relationships
To my friendships.
It is never enough.
It's a life of almost there,
Missed it by that much
Day late, a dollar short.
Never enough.
Not in the right place.
Not at the right time.
Constantly running on an infinity shaped path
That leads to nowhere.
Then I'm told I try too hard.
Which I don't believe.
I sat there with her that night,
And I knew she wanted to ask me something.
I knew she wanted to.
She didn't.
I left her house
And any chance for more than what I have now,
Behind.
This is how life has shaped me.
From friends in school,
To friends in adult life.
It is never enough.
I'm nice.
I'm average.
I have a lot to offer,
Respect, love, truth, honesty, integrity.
It isn't enough, though.
This is why I gave up on finding
Someone to love.
Who ever would have me
Would have been blessed,
I think.
But the bullshit that we all went through
At one point in our lives
Has rendered us
Afraid of opening up.
Afraid of accepting love.
When I am polite to someone,
Or am friendly to someone
They think I am flirting
And they cut me off and leave.
Afraid.
Afraid I will want them.
I just wanted a friend.
When did it become so complicated
That you can't be just a friend?
I wished she would have asked me.
I wished she would have told me what was on her mind,
What she was thinking.
If nothing
It would have been
Interesting.
I almost found out.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
An Escape
She is my fantasy, my escape.
She doesn't know me.
She will probably never know me.
And I am fine with it.
I am one of the many anonymous followers she has.
Her fame is one bred from infamy, if you will,
Rather than from anything historic.
Fame ... from an intimate talent.
She lets you see everything
She willingly poses
She allows you to be the voyeur
She wants you to watch.
An observer such as I
Sees the images of her.
Her eyes pierce through
And grabs a part of my soul.
She doesn't know me.
I am fine with it.
When I need to escape from my burdens
She is there.
It helps me cope.
Just as writing is an outlet
She takes me away for awhile
So I can reset and recharge.
My life is tough at the moment.
Her life is as tough as she makes it.
I couldn't do what she does.
I wouldn't do what she does.
But...
I'm glad she does this for me,
And all her other followers
Of her talented infamy.
She doesn't know me.
She will probably never know me.
And I am fine with it.
I am one of the many anonymous followers she has.
Her fame is one bred from infamy, if you will,
Rather than from anything historic.
Fame ... from an intimate talent.
She lets you see everything
She willingly poses
She allows you to be the voyeur
She wants you to watch.
An observer such as I
Sees the images of her.
Her eyes pierce through
And grabs a part of my soul.
She doesn't know me.
I am fine with it.
When I need to escape from my burdens
She is there.
It helps me cope.
Just as writing is an outlet
She takes me away for awhile
So I can reset and recharge.
My life is tough at the moment.
Her life is as tough as she makes it.
I couldn't do what she does.
I wouldn't do what she does.
But...
I'm glad she does this for me,
And all her other followers
Of her talented infamy.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Robert W. Perkins, Jr. :-)
Today would have been my dad's 74th birthday.
He passed away on October 29th, 2008 of Renal Cell Carcinoma, or simply put, kidney cancer.
During a doctors visit for what he thought was the flu, they did a body scan and found a golf ball sized tumor in one of his kidneys. They operated on him, and removed the entire kidney. This was in December of 2002. For the next six years, he suffered through more pain than a human should have to, as more tumors popped up all within his body, in his last year of life. One tumor was on his upper left arm bone. They operated on that, removing the tumor, and placed a metal rod where the damaged bone material was. Another tumor, the size of a man's fist, appeared in his abdomen around the same time.
The end for him was peaceful. He passed in his sleep between 3 and 5 am, at his house. Mom and a caregiver where there. He was never alone at the end. It was what he deserved and got. Him dying in a hospice place, or worse, a nursing home, was NOT an option. Mom wanted him to be home. God bless her, she took care of him in his final weeks. She had to bear witness to his suffering, and if there could have been a way, Dad wouldn't have wanted Mom to see him in his final days. But, that was out of his control.
He was born in Greensboro, NC on October 23rd, 1939. He was the second child to R.W. Sr., and Margaret Perkins.
He lived in Greensboro until July of 1966, when he, mom and I, all moved to Charlotte. He did his best to support his young family, by working in the printing industry, starting in the manufacturing plants, and labs, mixing ink colors, making batches of product to sell to the industry for carton and other printing projects.
Then, he transitioned to being a salesman for various companies up and down the East coast. Many companies that did business through him, will tell you he was a man of integrity, a reliable person to do business with.
To his family, he was a loving, caring and nurturing man, who loved his wife (as crazy as she could get at times, and I say that with love, I hope you know, LOL) me and my younger brother Bob.
He spent time with his family, and did all kinds of things with us. He came to my softball games, he played chess with my brother, he would accompany my mom on various shopping trips. We all would go to Myrtle Beach nearly every summer for over 20 years. He was a family man, and didn't run off to hang with the boys like a lot of the other men he knew.
To those who really know me, they know the close bond I had with him. Me and my Mom are not close, I will admit. He was the one who mentally had to be both parents to me. Mom had issues when I was a child, and Dad was the one who gave me the attention I was seeking from her. I'm not mad at Mom, she did the best she could, and I do love her.
I have also often said, "Thank God for him, because I might not have made it through my teens had he not been there." I would have probably run away from home, dropped out of school, might have done drugs, who knows. I was afraid of Mom, and he was someone who was the buffer.
When I came out to my dad, in January of 1994, it didn't faze him. He already knew, and it didn't change his love for me. When I hear the term, "unconditional love" I think of Dad. He actually went in to the White Rabbit Book store with me once. I told him he didn't have to, but he wanted to go in, anyway. It was things like this, that really touched my heart.
When I got my first tattoo, he knew about it. Mom yelled at him because he didn't talk me out of it. I guess he thought that since I was 23 years old, I was old enough to make my own decisions, lol!
He taught me how to drive a stick shift. The days of me cussing and getting frustrated while trying to learn how to drive a stick shift, probably drove him nuts, but he didn't let on that it did.
He always took us out on our birthdays. We always had family time together. Holidays were usually spent with the Perkins side of the family, because Mom wasn't close to her family. Dad's family became Mom's surrogate family in a way.
All in all, he was the best father ANYONE could have had. As I grew older, I heard my other friends tell me they wished their father was like mine. A lot of my friends didn't have what I now know, was a true blessing.
He passed away on October 29th, 2008. His funeral was actually on Halloween, something he would have gotten a kick out of.
October will always be a special time of year for me, because I love the changing of the seasons, the colors of the leaves as they turn, and the fact that Dad was born, and passed in the same month as all of this happens.
I love him, and I miss him.
And I hope when I'm gone, my ghost will love him too.
Until next time...
He passed away on October 29th, 2008 of Renal Cell Carcinoma, or simply put, kidney cancer.
During a doctors visit for what he thought was the flu, they did a body scan and found a golf ball sized tumor in one of his kidneys. They operated on him, and removed the entire kidney. This was in December of 2002. For the next six years, he suffered through more pain than a human should have to, as more tumors popped up all within his body, in his last year of life. One tumor was on his upper left arm bone. They operated on that, removing the tumor, and placed a metal rod where the damaged bone material was. Another tumor, the size of a man's fist, appeared in his abdomen around the same time.
The end for him was peaceful. He passed in his sleep between 3 and 5 am, at his house. Mom and a caregiver where there. He was never alone at the end. It was what he deserved and got. Him dying in a hospice place, or worse, a nursing home, was NOT an option. Mom wanted him to be home. God bless her, she took care of him in his final weeks. She had to bear witness to his suffering, and if there could have been a way, Dad wouldn't have wanted Mom to see him in his final days. But, that was out of his control.
He was born in Greensboro, NC on October 23rd, 1939. He was the second child to R.W. Sr., and Margaret Perkins.
He lived in Greensboro until July of 1966, when he, mom and I, all moved to Charlotte. He did his best to support his young family, by working in the printing industry, starting in the manufacturing plants, and labs, mixing ink colors, making batches of product to sell to the industry for carton and other printing projects.
Then, he transitioned to being a salesman for various companies up and down the East coast. Many companies that did business through him, will tell you he was a man of integrity, a reliable person to do business with.
To his family, he was a loving, caring and nurturing man, who loved his wife (as crazy as she could get at times, and I say that with love, I hope you know, LOL) me and my younger brother Bob.
He spent time with his family, and did all kinds of things with us. He came to my softball games, he played chess with my brother, he would accompany my mom on various shopping trips. We all would go to Myrtle Beach nearly every summer for over 20 years. He was a family man, and didn't run off to hang with the boys like a lot of the other men he knew.
To those who really know me, they know the close bond I had with him. Me and my Mom are not close, I will admit. He was the one who mentally had to be both parents to me. Mom had issues when I was a child, and Dad was the one who gave me the attention I was seeking from her. I'm not mad at Mom, she did the best she could, and I do love her.
I have also often said, "Thank God for him, because I might not have made it through my teens had he not been there." I would have probably run away from home, dropped out of school, might have done drugs, who knows. I was afraid of Mom, and he was someone who was the buffer.
When I came out to my dad, in January of 1994, it didn't faze him. He already knew, and it didn't change his love for me. When I hear the term, "unconditional love" I think of Dad. He actually went in to the White Rabbit Book store with me once. I told him he didn't have to, but he wanted to go in, anyway. It was things like this, that really touched my heart.
When I got my first tattoo, he knew about it. Mom yelled at him because he didn't talk me out of it. I guess he thought that since I was 23 years old, I was old enough to make my own decisions, lol!
He taught me how to drive a stick shift. The days of me cussing and getting frustrated while trying to learn how to drive a stick shift, probably drove him nuts, but he didn't let on that it did.
He always took us out on our birthdays. We always had family time together. Holidays were usually spent with the Perkins side of the family, because Mom wasn't close to her family. Dad's family became Mom's surrogate family in a way.
All in all, he was the best father ANYONE could have had. As I grew older, I heard my other friends tell me they wished their father was like mine. A lot of my friends didn't have what I now know, was a true blessing.
He passed away on October 29th, 2008. His funeral was actually on Halloween, something he would have gotten a kick out of.
October will always be a special time of year for me, because I love the changing of the seasons, the colors of the leaves as they turn, and the fact that Dad was born, and passed in the same month as all of this happens.
I love him, and I miss him.
And I hope when I'm gone, my ghost will love him too.
Until next time...
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