Being in therapy, has taught me many things. Having a great therapist, is truly a blessing. After many discussions, there are patterns that my therapist is seeing in me, that have kept me in a vicious circle of repeated mistakes. My problems stem from a weird childhood. No, I wasnt molested, beaten, abused, etc. I had parents that were married, and stayed married till my father passed away, in 2008. My dad was the only person I could really talk to. I was closest to him, because he spent time with me, and offered the best advice he could. He listened to me, without judgement. I'm sure he thought I was off my rocker several times, but he never said it. LOL... Dad and mom both worked, kept the bills paid, didn't drink, and fight, didn't run around on each other, pretty much went to work, and came home. Me and my brother were well provided for. We had things, but we didn't have "everything" like some kids do now days.
My mom and me were never really close. She did make sure I was taken care of, fed, clothed, went to school, etc. There was no real emotional bond, though. So, it was dad that took up that end of the parenting. When he died in 2008, a part of me went with him. I did the best I could for the next 3 years. It was October of 2011, when I finally emotionally imploded.
Having a complete bitch for a manager at my job didn't help. After having possibly the roughest weekend of my life, (the previous Saturday would have been my dad's 73rd birthday) I come to work and my boss is relentless at nit picking my sanity to pieces. I actually lost it, in a one on one meeting with my asshole boss on a Wednesday afternoon. I was promptly sent home with a brochure containing a phone number for the "counselors on call" for my job. How humiliating. How disgusted I was, letting that bitch see me fall apart, letting her know she got in my fucking head. Dammit to hell, I was pissed off.
But, it turned out to be the best thing to happen to me ever. I did find a wonderful therapist who is helping me now, helping me see things with a more clear view. As I said before... truly a blessing.
Im seeing things now, that I have missed before, due to my clouded vision. I'm experiencing new emotions, and different feelings. I am mad at myself, for letting so many people use me, for so long. It was a survival instinct, one learned from many years of pretty much feeling rejected. As a child, and even into adulthood, I never felt like I was normal. I always felt like I was different. I felt like I didn't matter. So, I did things that I shouldn't have done, just to keep "friends" in my life. Imagine, feeling like you never belonged, wasnt popular, from childhood, to adulthood. You feel distant.
So, I let folks use me, because, they may have been using me, but there was someone in my life, that was spending time with me... albeit, it was never quality time, though. lol...
When you find your feet for really the first time in your life, and you stand up for yourself, it is liberating. You feel so different. You also start to stop doing things for folks, and they then, are kind of "surprised" about it. I'm having to learn to say "No" to a lot of people. Sometimes its easy, but sometimes, I say no, and it hurts, because I do like the person that is asking for help, but I know that they have way more abundant resources to use, and should go out and make an effort they may not want to make. And then, it hurts more when they stop coming around after you have told them no, because then, you realize they didnt give a shit about you to begin with.
It is situations like that, that make you grow, and make you stronger within, even though you feel pretty bad about it. I have cried several times. I had to. I needed to. The emotions had to be set free.
So that is what is going on with me at the moment. Watching folks "disappear" from my life, that only wanted me as a part time friend. It does hurt, but I will get over it, and move on. I have to. It is the only way to be, and the best thing for me in the long run.
Just wished that it hadn't taken me 46 years to finally find my feet to stand up to folks who didn't have my best interests at heart.
Ugh.
No comments:
Post a Comment